How Is Your Heart?

I've been thinking about the expectations and standards that we have here in Singapore and how it relates to people like myself. I had a conversation with a friend which left me confused about the way I'm living my life. Its been pretty obvious for quite awhile that I'm different. I have a different way of thinking and behaving which sometimes makes me feel like I stick out. I feel that I sometimes rub those I consider close friends the wrong way. Even when I don't intend to.

I felt that I've never fit in during my school days. Its strange that my route in the education system would be influenced by my Chinese results and not by my character and the way I learnt. Ever since primary four, my Chinese results began to drop steadily. From A's in primary three to C's in primary six. Because of my PSLE results, I could not go to the first school of my choice and ended up in another neighbourhood school. There, I always stood out as the Chinese boy who could not speak Mandarin.
I was a rarity.

The teacher would call on me to read aloud in class. I would be embarrassed to do so. Sometimes, I would get my classmates to read the text to me before class and I would write down the Hanyu Pinyin (the romanisation of Chinese characters). The words would sound correct but the phrasing would naturally be atrocious because I hadn't a clue what I was reading.
They would laugh.

And it would reinforce my dislike for the subject. For four years, The steady decline continued till the final O' Level Examinations where I bottomed out, getting the lowest possible grades for oral and written examination. This again affected my path of education. I went to polytechnic, which at that time was only beginning to change from its image as a school for those who could not get into Junior College, into a respected education path.

In church, I often feel that I am unwanted because I don't fit in. Whether it was because I dyed my hair or pierced my ears, it seemed like there weren't any that thought, spoke, or acted like me. I believe that I have learnt to embrace the difference. Till today, I still remember my brother's words.
God looks at the heart.

I may have been trying to hard to impress the wrong people. I may have wasted too much of my life feeling bad that I could not meet the requirements of the education system or even my own religion. But when I see myself as who God sees me, I see Jesus in me. I start to understand that the experiences I've had has made me the person I am today. I see my talents swell and put to good use. God has blessed me in the area of music and I will use that to serve Him.

Recently, when I led worship for the Earthwired event, there were those who would rather comment on the unfamiliarity of the songs rather than acknowlege the presence of God. I was bothered by that. I was bothered that there were those who didn't enjoy it. But reminders have been coming in through friends and family that I should focus on doing what is right.
There will always be critics.

"...and some will criticise. Pay no attention. Pay no attention.
For greater shall be the company
of those who give thanks and who praise God for your obedience... "
| Simon Potter - November 2007 |

The greatest satisfaction is being able to let God work through me to reach those who are searching for Him. I was encouraged by those who were lost in worship. There was a girl in the first row who was crying and I could sense God saying, "If she was the only one who was touched by me, that is enough."

Focus on the good.